The Proverbs 31 Woman-Somebody Slap Her!

The Proverbs 31 Woman and I go way back.  We're not intimate, but I know her well enough to wave to, smile at or trip in the cereal aisle.

Over the years, I've analyzed Proverbs 31 Women, and I've noticed that they seem to fall into two main categories or types. I wonder if you'll recognize them and agree. Mind you, these women frustrate, intimidate and inspire me all at the same time, so I'm not bashing them in any way. If you are one, don't be offended. Actually, if you are one, you must be reading this blog for research or entertainment, because you are not a Clumsy Christian Woman.

Anyhoo, here are the two main categories of P31 Women that I have identified through my years of observation and careful thought.

1.  The Yuppified P31 Woman:  This woman can be identified by her perfectly cut and always styled hair, a perpetually fresh manicure and makeup that looks like it was done by someone with some actual skill.
She works outside the home, but somehow manages to be at every little league game, dance recital and troop meeting. Her house looks professionally decorated and nothing is ever out of place. She drives an SUV that has never had Cheetos glued to the back seat. Her children's birthday parties are always themed, her little girl's outfits match down to the barrettes and,  on vacations, the family wears matching polos with thier khaki shorts. She actually TIVOs and cooks her favorite recipes from the Food Network. When you sit behind her in church, you're often distracted by the brilliance of her husband's white, beautifully ironed shirt. You've missed whole sermons wondering if her family only wears thier white things once. She makes you feel clunky, disorganized, frumpy and inferior.

2. The Homesteader P31 Woman:  This woman can be identified most easily by her denim jumpers, long flowered dresses and lack of make-up.  Everything about her is a little out-of-date, but she manages to appear beautiful anyway.  She is a SAHM, and has no trouble making it to games, recitals and troop meetings. In fact, she usually organizes them, despite the fact that she homeschools her (usually many) children. She sews most of the family's clothing. Her house is decorated in country cuteness with furniture she found and refinished herself. She cooks everything from scratch and grows most of the ingredients. Her favorite show would be the Duggars', but she seldom watches TV. On vacations, her family all wear matching T-shirts she painted herself. She never raises her voice at her children, they've been obedient since birth. When you sit behind her in church, you're often distracted by the fact that she's not distracted by anything.  She makes you feel lazy, too modern and temperamental.

It's not that I don't like these women.  I'm related to a few, and love them dearly. I wish I was more like them. I wish it constantly. I sometimes wish I could spend a month in thier homes going through Proverbs 31 Boot Camp. I do not, I repeat, I do not dislike them.

I just wish they would screw up more often.